An open letter from America to the religious terrorists who are now in Heaven with their concubines:


Presumably you are in Heaven right now, copulating continuously with the dozen or so virgins that your leaders scored for you. That's super. If you're listening, won't you please stop the holy fornication for a minute to pass on a message to your living counterparts down on Earth? I think this would sound better coming through you. Just ask the Big Guy to endow you with the power to relay this quick note. You're His Chosen Super-Amigos, right? He'll hook you up.

Here's the message for your earthbound brothers:

Hi Y'all,

Well, you've gotten our attention. You blew up some stuff we like. In response to this, our American system has been teaching us to fear you. We kind of did anyway, before, but now we're all fired-up about it. Unfortunately, we're a little short on information. All that most of us know about you is that you hate us and want to kill us all, and that this has something to do with your religion. It's quite possible that, as a whole, this is all the 'knowledge' of you that Americans will ever have. In place of what you call Islam, or whatever, we have something called "The Media." It's a system by which we control each other and reinforce our values. It is extremely pervasive, and persuasive, and we spend almost all of our time on it. It doesn't teach us a whole lot of real information, but it's great at controlling our minds and exploiting our fears, much like your religion.

We understand that you have deep-seated beliefs, and that among these is God's decree that you should kill the people who disagree with you. That's fine. Believe whatever you want. In fact, we're jealous of you in this respect. As a whole, we Americans don't believe that strongly in anything. We wish we could, but most 'belief systems' sound pretty hokey to us, especially your crazy gobbledygook. Keep in mind, however, that we do value our indifference.

I am here to help you understand what you are up against, as it is not inconsequential and should be communicated in the spirit of fair play. A better understanding of the mechanics of our growing conflict, and its inherent potentials, may allow both our factions to avoid great hardship and suffering. To that end, let me describe three things about Americans that are worth consideration by any foe:

1. We're a proven quantity. In virtually every conflict worth mentioning, we have crushed the factions that opposed us. Possibly you think that your brand of aggression will be the magic bullet because it is a 'new kind of war' for us, but I urge you to dismiss this idea. There are no new kinds of war for us. War is our national artform. You think you've figured out an angle we missed? Think again, guys. We've thought of everything twice. For every nutball you've got dreaming up plans, we've got a hundred nutballs, and a thousand computers programmed to think like nutballs, cooking up ways to flick you off the Earth like a fly off a pie.

2. We look kind of pudgy and apathetic, but this impression is false. In America, there exists what I like to call a cultural "latent image." Much like the chemical latent image on a piece of exposed, undeveloped film, the American latent image is a structure that underlies our overt passivity. When the density of external antagonism reaches a threshold, much like a concentration of chemical solution, our apathy and sloth are burned away, leaving quite a different people, functionally speaking. We have been programmed for action by our defeated Frontier, our previous wars, and, most importantly, by our freedom itself. Quite accidentally, we, of all cultures, have known a brand of freedom that provides uncommon motivation. It is a higher force than any single culture, god or army. It is a spark that burns, sometimes covered and sometimes evident, in each American. It possesses us to kill and love, to build and destroy. But most of all it drives us to remain, persist and triumph. We do what is necessary to defend this one thing that we love so dearly. It's not so much that we hate you; it's more that we don't care about you, compared to how much we care about ourselves. And we are unhindered by any mumbo-jumbo about the Divine This or the Chosen Whatever; if you piss us off, we'll happily annihilate you without really thinking about the cosmic picture. We even do this by accident sometimes. Our general feeling is that God will sort out the technicalities later, if he's interested.

3. But we do hate you. Keep this in mind. Underneath the pork-rind crumbs and pornographic magazines that cover each couch-bound American lies the heart of a merciless, murderous sadist. Do you think you're a badass (look it up) because you've got a hat and a gun and some virgins waiting for you? What paltry trappings. We Americans have Cadillacs and A-bombs and Jenna Jameson, and we mean to keep them, especially Jenna. Do you want to understand what America is about? Just crank up the antagonism a little bit. We're so bored, frustrated and bloodthirsty that every year we shoot tens of thousands of our own people. We'd love to have a better target, and we'd especially love for it to be you. I'm sorry it's like this, but I'm calling it the way I see it.

I beg you to think carefully about what you're doing. You may have been programmed so effectively by your religious culture that this is impossible. In that case, you're in grave danger. Your other option is to hate us but tone it down a little bit. Lay off the killing. As a philosophical angle, homicide is weak. You're not going to get any traction that way. Why don't you try building a culture that actually works? You can teach us by example, at the very least.

There isn't a single American who wouldn't agree to leave you alone if you leave us alone. We don't like you anyway, and we've got better things to do. Remember how it was before? Hell, we barely even knew you existed. So cool out, and we'll be able to get along at a comfortable distance.


Kerblammo! (look it up)